Letter to Ivy

I honestly didn’t think I would ever have to speak up about anything but I realize it’s time for my ow sake.

I need you to fix things up before we get involved, I need to know what’s going on.. You can’t ask me to go meet your mother when we’re not in a relationship, you can’t claim to me if I go out with my friends or not cause we’re not a couple.. Because you got a girlfriend!! For god sake!
You tell me you broke up with her but you still live together because you can’t ask her to move out simply because she made the great gesture of leaving her parents to live with you.. If things are as bad as you said, if it’s not healthy anymore you end things for once.. And you even dare to ask me to spend the night with you when you’re sleeping in the same bed..
I don’t know if you don’t think things through but you can’t simply do that, what security do I have about being serious when you do things like that? How can’t I but think that some day you’ll do the exact same thing to me when you get bored or you stop loving me… That you won’t talk to me you just simply will run to someone else’s arms..
I need to know because I’m starting to feel more than I want for you.. I’m starting to love you and I don’t even have the security of a relationship.. And since I’m not a gambler, I won’t risk to lose even my friends for something that is not worth it..
No one seriously wants me to date you and even though, here I am, willing to get lost in you.. But before anything happens I need to know..
I can’t simply put everything in a game that looks like I’m gonna lose..

I’m in love with her and I feel fine

Tags

I never bumped into love at first sight, in fact I used to said I didn’tbelieve in it but who do we think we are to question how love works?

This girl came into my life like a wave breaks at shore.. Washing everything away letting me standing there useless and defenceless with only one thing in mind.. Her.

Im a girl, I wasn’t expecting to fall for another girl but something in her eyes gave the confidence to not be afraid for whatever might happen..and even when we both are shy and things looks far ahead.. Might I gain a relationship or not, her mere presence in my life has made it whole and bright again.. For I can find myself smiling for no reason and feeling at peace once again.

Aside

When you decide…

When you decide to ship for your biggest adventure like visiting the other side of the world, you go with childish believes.. That’s how I see it, you think things were messed up and you go away for once from all your troubles and people you call friends and family you think that supports you..

And when you’re back you see how wrong you are.. For the family that didn’t take you back and doesn’t speak to you, going to school and work to realize you only have the memories of persons you thought friends and those few left are better out of your life as well, since they don’t support you, dissappear and when you look for them it seems the earth swallowed them.. 

When you look for a comforting hand and someone to tell you that you can do it and someone to listen they just rage at you, put you down and they think they’re better than you..

But as always is, in your darkest hours you see the light.. When someone unexpected wildly appears to steal your heart and to show you not everything is screwed up and that you don’t need much to be happy and smile for no reason 24/7.

To remember you that you can’t let people put you down now when you didn’t let them before and even when in Uni you cant do team work.. And you might get a D and repeat that class next year if you’re lucky enough.. It’s ok.. Because at the end you have gone further than anyone at your age and you have made it alone..

So there’s no need to worry, at the end things are how they suppose to be (:

I’m back

Tags

,

to what it might seem like my biggest story..for calling it in one way..
My lovely trip to england ended in turning myself in to the police so i could get deported home..

Things mostly bad are said about how immigrants are treated but i experienced a whole different thing and shared others’ people experiences,

bad thing is that i couldn’t bring with me any of my property including my laptop but I’ll find a way to write this because I’m interested on sharing another point of view in the immigration/immigrants subject

Unexplainable Dreams

Tags

, ,

Evan decided to sell that closet that has been in her parent’s house for ever with no use for anyone.. she always wondered why it was still there if no one needs it..

It was practically new, it just had crayons marks all over one side because of her baby brother who was very likely to make doodles in every surface caught by his little eyes. So, maybe lowering the original price would do the job.

She called her friends Andy, Emma, Liam, Louise and Anne to go with her to a near carpenter shop and see if she could sell it there.

They all carried the closet to the shop; it was a big cellar with woods and carpenter’s work all over the place..there was a desk almost at the door and one could see behind it, at the back of the cellar some stairs and a hall for maybe another cellar where all the carpenters work; in the desk was an old woman, with the name tag “Agnes”..

“Good afternoon, uhm.. I have this closet and it’s practically new so I was wondering if I could get some money for it and you can sell it again or maybe you can use it for making another things, or I don’t know.. But there’s not use at my house for it and we really want to get rid of it..”

The old woman look at Evan and nodded, handing her some forms to fill while she was going to the back cellar to speak with the man in charge see what they could do and if they would buy it. Evan read carefully and answered all the questions in the forms and gave them to Agnes when she was back.

Agnes asked to have a seat while she was getting everything ready. After 2 hours Evan’s friends were fed up of the old woman just wandering around and giving silly answers to their questions.. They kept waiting a bit longer watching some prices in the carpenters’ work.. thinking they’d get thousands of the closet for it was a really good piece. But then Agnes came back saying:

“I’m afraid we can’t buy it as a closet today because it’s not our work, the owner of this carpenter shop is not here and won’t be until tomorrow for sort this out and for you to get what it’s worth.. if you want to sell it today all we can do is buy it as wood and you’ll get $14.95 for it”.

Evan face dropped down, for that to be very estrange.. she thought that even though, it was worth more than $14.95…at least a few hundreds… Her friend Andy, a very impatient young man, was really upset for them to have such an answer after all the time they have to wait.

“That’s ridiculous! Evan, don’t take it.. or I’ll buy it, see, how easy it is? how much.. 200, 400, 600..700..1000 there…there you have $1000”

All the friends were thinking how sweet of Andy that was, but instead of thinking that it was very sweet, Evan was thinking how Andy was carrying such amont of money in his pockets, he might lose it walking in the streets.. Evan’s mind was a very special one.. always analazing what most of the people don’t think at the very first moment..

Evan was tired of all it so she decided to take the $14.95 and never think about it anymore because it was a waste of time. They wouldn’t be carring that back home and they didn’t have a place near to keep it and go back the next day.

They left the place and as they were talking, or pretty much just hearing Andy still complaining about the whole situation, they realized they took a wrong turn but when Evan looked around, she recognized the place, she was pretty sure she has never been there yet, somehow she remembered the place.

Her friends were walking back when she stopped them:

“wait, I think I know where we are..I think, I dreamt about this place one night.. if we keep going that way, through an old train tunnel and go up that wall in the hill we’ll arrive to a very nice place to spend the rest of the afternoon..”

“you dreamt about it?”

“how can you be so sure that’s the way of if you have never been here?”

“I don’t know, I know it’s weird but even when I haven’t been here…I’m pretty sure about this, come on”

It wasn’t like they had something else to do so they kept walking, realizing Evan was right, then it came to her mind indeed, how could she know about this place if she has never been there? Was it possible all that of dreaming about things you don’t know? She could not understand what was happening, so all the way she kept asking to her friends how was that possible..

no one could give her an answer that could satisfy her, and her mind contiued running about it:

“It’s like for example, imagine that colour uhm.. red, doesn’t exist, and one day someone comes to you and tell you they dreamt about a new colour, one that they have never seen before.. yet, they know how to get it if they had all the necessary.. how could that be possible?”

“but colour red does exist.. uhm, you get more colours out of it”

“yeah, you can get uhm… orange, if you mix it with yellow, and purple if you mix with blue..”

“it’s primary colour yeah, besides how can you say it doesn’t exist if there’s a lot of things around us like roses, and your lipstick..”

“ooh, and if you mix it with white you get a lovely pink..”

Evan had to take a very deep breathe for her not to start raging at her friends..

“you’re missing the point guys.. anyways, forget about the whole conversation.. you won’t get it..”

And as they kept walking they arrived to a very lovely hill indeed, and there were some friends from school, they walked to them and sat next them.. Amber, a very likeable girl noticed the stress in Evan’s face so she asked her what was wrong but Evan couldn’t deal with more hard to explain, or unexplainable dreams so she just shaked her head and enjoyed the afternoon.. Although the thought of how can someone dream about things they haven’t seen before still wandered in her head..

Maybe she would search it on internet later… Then she thought, internet of course.. why didn’t she do that before? would’ve saved her of such a stressful talk with her friends..

“Oh, well..nothing to do about it now, is it?”

The dream about my dream

Tags

, ,

Ever since I was 15 years-old, I’ve always wanted to meet Paramore’s leader singer Hayley Williams.

Maybe a lot of people dislike their music, just as a lot of people like it.. Personally I love the whole thing that it means Paramore, especially since their kids like me, and somehow we have grown together. So I identify with her especially now that I know what it feels like, when you father leaves your mother.

So there I was, even when I woke up several times through the night as usual, I’d still find myself going on the same dream that goes like this:

After hearing that paramore will be in a near city, and I wanted badly to meet them, I decided to gather some things I might need on the run and things I wanted to show Hayley, like my sketch book and the drawings I have made of her. Of course my aunt would not let me go by myself so I had to sneak in the middle of the night.

I knew that a cargo train goes to that city and it wouldn’t take long so I went through the forest-like footpath to the nearest train tracks, I felt quite scared, maybe it was not such a good idea to watch horror films after all, since all the way through I felt I would feel like almost having a heart attack waiting for something to happen. Thankfully it went ok.

After waiting all night hiding in the bushes, in the morning a train was finally coming, it stopped so they could change the tracks’ way, I saw it as my opportunity to get on without someone watching me so I went all the way to the last cargo, and went I was about to get on it, another train was coming behind as the one I was trying to get on was moving as well. So I jumped to the side and another train was coming in the other tracks from the front.

I freaked out and went back to the bushes I was hiding on, the train was moving slowly so I ran as it was going, the machinist looked at me, like saying “I’m about to go faster, get on now if you want to go”, so i ran towards it and got on.

“thank you” I said. And the machinist nodded at me.

After 2 hours I arrived the city so I said thank you again and jumped off. I heard the band was staying in a hotel almost at the end of the city, and I didn’t much money so I walked all the way. When I finally arrived, I started to sneak finding out in which rooms they were so I went to them. But I got caught so started running and going up through the stairs, coming out for my luck in the floor where the rooms were.

The security came shortly after me so I knocked on the door of the first room I saw and I almost die when Hayley was the one who opened the door. Security got me and I begged them to wait explaing I came from far just to meet Hayley. She said it was ok, so they let me go and went into the room with Hayley.

The rest of tha band was in the room, I was feeling really nervous, just sitting there, then Hayley came to me asking what brought me to meet them, I explained I identify with them and their lyricsand music and said also that I’ve always wanted her to see my drawings, I’m not much of an artist but they’re ok.

Then Hayley asked me if I liked football and I said yes, so she asked me to stay to see the game. After it ended I of course, like every fan, asked her for an autograph. She gladly signed my t-shirt like the rest of them, handed my drawings to them and left, thinking as I was walking out the hotel, how the hell would I go back to my city now?.

And then the puppy awake me, and I feel, it’s one of my best dreams…I hope one day becomes true.

Image

“Mary Julia”

Tags

,

“One night he was so drunk that I had to drag him away from the pub and bring him in a park to vomit. When he finished, he was upset and we sat on a bench. Still drunk and hesitant, he pointed his finger at a star straight above our heads and he said:

“That is the star my mother dedicated to me and it has always been mine. But from now on it will be yours too, if you want. Its name is Mary Julia and everytime you will look at it in any situation, any moment you will know that I’m there near to you laughing about how queer you are. I will always be there, I promise, I will look at you from Mary Julia. And even the contrary because it’s our star, just ours, a star that belongs to two idiots that strum and that every night lie on a bench full of alcohol.”

I was flabbergasted, and together we started to laugh.
Some years later I looked at that star and I cried for a whole night.
His laugh near me wasn’t enough to make me stop. But I realised that he kept his promise and it was beautiful.”

[Paul McCartney on John Lennon]

–Mary is Paul McCartney’s mother’s name & Julia is John’s mother’s name.–

Love

Tags

She went into the house at midnight like everyday after playing football with her friends all night. Before getting in the shower, she checked his phone although, she knew no one call her or text her. But to her surprise there was a text from someone she didn’t have in her contacts.

“Hey, how are you tonight?” it said.

And she replied: “I’m good, thanks, about to get in the shower… how are you?”

“I’m your worst nightmare” they replied.

“haha hmm, has my worst nightmare a name?”

“yeah, I’m Tony..you?”

“I’m Blair..nice to meet you”

“nice to meet you too, I’ll leave you so you can take a shower. Good night”

“all right, good night”

She went to the bathroom with a big smile, she know it had to be weird for her being smiling like for someone she didn’t know, what if it was someone who wanted to hurt her? But something was telling her that she didn’t have to worry.

They spent days texting each other, they could talk about anything, but who he really was or how he happen to have her number.

“ok,ok. If you want to know who I am, ask your friend DeeDee..”

“DeeDee? did she give you my number? why? what’s going on?”

“hahaha..nothing to worry about, just ask her”

“ok, I’ll ask her tomorrow in school”

So the next day in school, she went to her friend. “DeeDee, who’s Tony? why he has my number? did you give it to him? why?”

“hehe calm down, he was my best friend in New York.. and he needed a celphone, so after I got one for Los Angeles, I gave him the other one and your number was in it.

You’ll see, he has problems with her mom and stepfather, he likes to punch her mom and whenever Tony gets involved he gets beaten and is when his stepfather stops sometimes. So that night he texted you, he was feeling depressed, and started sending messages to the contacts in the phone.. And you were the only one who texted back. And to keep talking to you helped him to feel a bit better, trying to forget what happened before that”

“Oh, poor Tony, I’m glad I helped somehow”

And so they continued talking about their problems, since both were two sad kids who completed each other making one happy person. One day even Tony saved some money to call her, although, both were really nervious so they didn’t say much. Good for them, second time he tried calling it went better.

One day, they decided it was time to meet in person.. And since Blair’s school was making a trip to New York they thought it was the perfect opportunity.

Blair was really nervous, she created this image of Tony in her mind, although she didn’t care much about the appearence, she dared to think, she was in love with the person she texted all day, every day… Cause  he was being himself. She knew in her heart and she had DeeDee to back up anything Tony said or to uncover one or two innocent lies, like Tony saying his alias in the grafitti world was “Wizard” when according to DeeDee it was “Stelaris”

But she was ready, at her 16 years-old never felt something like that, like something warm inside her chest. She didn’t feel sad for her parents. She was able to truly smile, feel happy.  She wanted to spend the rest of her life with Tony.

They settled the plan to see each other.. After spending time with group, she would get away from them and she would meet him next to lake in the park. And so she did, after waiting for more than 2 hours, she sadly decided he was not coming, so it was time to go with the group again.

Back in Los Angeles, she texted Tony, upset for him not going to meet her. But he explained himself:

“You don’t have idea how sorry I am, I really wanted to see you but in my way to the park this idiot crashed the van and I could not get away since it was my stepfather’s and I needed to wait for the police, and call my stepfather and arrange any problem about the insurance and stuff.”

“Oh god, are you ok?”

“yeah, I’m ok, a bit bruised but nothing to worry about”

They kept talking, Tony would send her poems, and pictures.. And Blair would send him pictures too for both to at least how the other looked like. But asured they were in love with each other after seeing each other. And made plans about how they would get married once Blair finished all her studies and became a professional journalist. Where they would live, how many kids they would have and all the things they would do together.

One weekend, she texted Tony without any respond for the 3 days. She felt sad.. Had Tont find another girl? or was he simply not interested in her anymore? Maybe something happened… She hoped it was nothing to be worry about.

Monday in school she saw DeeDee sad, very down. And she would walk away from Blair everytime  she wanted to talk to her. The teacher came into the classroom, Blair always liked to seat in the front row cause the teacher was cool, like his twin.. not like the rest of the teachers. DeeDee liked to seat in the back.

She sent a note to Blair. “I have bad news”

Blair was wondering what could it be, never thought maybe it had something to do with Tony, so she replied: “Ok, we’ll talk in the 5 mins recess between the classes”

After the first hour the teacher allowed the class to go outside, to the bathroom, maybe for something to eat, for 5 minutes.

“Ok, tell me what’s going on… Are you ok?”

“No… I don’t know how to tell you this..”

“Just say it”

“Tony died this weekend, I’m sorry” and she left.

Blair was shocked, another friend came to her. “Are you ok? You look awful.. Come on, it’s time to get back inside. Blair followed her, seat in her place.. and then she broke crying.. The teacher asked her if she was ok, that she could leave the classroom to calm down for a few minutes if she need it. But she said no. And sat there the rest of the class crying in silence.

Days passed with non-stop crying from Blair, her family would not understand what she was feeling, and told her to get over it, because she was over-reacting. “Just stop, you must be really broken hearted…what do you know about love? come on, go outside. You didn’t cried this much when you grandmother died”

“It was different, grandmother had a long time being ill, it was obvious she was dying, and we all went to said goodbye to her the night she died. Tony was taken from me without notice.”

After two weeks, Blair felt it was time to know what happened, so she asked DeeDee to go to her house before school. “hi there, seat down.. DeeDee, I want you to tell me what happened with Tony.. Only if you feel ok to talk about it”

DeeDee nodded and began talking: “his stepfather beat his mother badly this time, so he and his mother decided it was the last time he’d touch her and put some things together.. They were coming here, so for his stepdad not to get suspicious, Tony would come first, get the house where her mom used to live a long time ago here and then go back for more stuff and his mom. But he crashed, it was a curve and the other car didn’y have the lights on. Since Tony tried not to crashed, he lost control and the impact went in the driver side. He got injuried very badly. He was taken back to Florida and his mom called me so I went immediately.

The doctor said that if he could not breathe for himself, it was not use in keeping him alive cause he was only suffering. His mom agreed so the doctor give us each a few minutes with Tony. When I got in, and saw him, it broke my heart and I said to him: 

“Come on Tony, you have to be strong, you have to fight and get better so you can see Blair, you don’t want to leave her alone…You made her happy, you gave her hope, you gave her wings of love and I don’t want to be the one who cut them off.”

And a tear went down his face. Then the doctor came in, “it’s time, we’ll turn off the machine and all depends in what happen”

They turned off the machine and he did really well but, a blood clot went to his brain and he died.”

 

Tears were coming down from Blair’s eyes. They went to school and since then Blair’s life has never been the same. She remembers Tony in his dead anniversary, she has all the memories about him. And after 5 years she’s better, she can continue with her life, she started giving opportunities to the guys whom want to date her. But she’s sure of something… No matter with whom she ends, she’ll never feel what she felt for Tony. And she’s sure that like a toddler who’s candy was stolen starts making a tantrum.. She will feel the same for Tony, who was taken from her without the chance to try with him.

She will always feel regret for not having that chance, she will always have grief in her heart for the one that went away.